Friday, August 11, 2006

New Hampshire passes law making "one real ID, and three fake IDs" mandatory

According to the Concord Monitor today, lawmakers in New Hampshire accepted federal money to launch a new program requiring stricter identification procedures when applying for a state drivers license. Then, they immediately filed counter-legislation requiring every citizen of the state to also hold "valid-looking" fake IDs.

"It was a slap in the face" said Motor Vehicles Director Virginia Beecher. "Our intent was to make identification more valid and harder to forge, not less."

But public privacy advocates say this was the perfect measure. Many citizens were afraid the passage of the original REALid act would be the first step toward a national identity card that may be succeptible to identity theft and government scrutiny. "Now, if I lose my wallet," said Concord resident Sarah O'leary, "I don't have to be afraid that someone will find my government supplied ID card and steal my identity. Because first they're going to have to figure out which of my government ID cards is the real one. I have seven."

NH Speaker of the House Douglas Scamman of Stratham said the media is misrepresenting the plan. "It's not that there will be 3 fake IDs, but rather that there will be 3 more REAL ids, just with fake information on them. The IDs will look identical to real ones. The state DMV will be making them for people."

"This plan is ridiculous," said secretary of state of NH Bill Gardner. "People are going to use fake IDs to commit criminal acts, and no one will be able to tell the difference. When people log onto the internet and search liberal blogs or palestinian support websites, not to mention Pro-choice support groups, how is the government going to be able to know about it?"

Another 'anti-extra ID' legislator added on the condition of anonymity, "Everyone should have one and only one real ID that is linked to government agency databases and contains your complete biographical history and genetic data on it. That way... the government can better track you... I mean, serve you. Let's face it, if you haven't got anything to hide, what's the big deal?"


FAA announces new "honesty" plan to intercept terrorist attacks

The Federal Aviation Administration announced Friday they have a new plan for thwarting airplane terror attacks. Deputy Secretary of the Dept. of Transportation Jeffrey Shane said it will throw the entire terror industry on its head. "We spent the last 8 years tackling this issue from a technologically and psycholigically sophisticated angle, but then Larry [Wethers] from accounting comes in last Wednesday and says KISS [Keep It Simple Stupid], and it all just clicked. We're just not asking the right questions."

The new plan, based off of the "honesty is the best policy" policy, calls for a large church-going family man to stand at the entrance to every airplane in the moments up to take-off. "As passengers make their way toward the plane, Jimmy, as we like to call him, would turn to them and ask, 'You got any bombs in that bag?'" said spokesperson for the FTA Carla Watkins. "Essentially, if they say they don't, then we let them through. If they try to squirm, we gotcha!"

Critics of this plan have been calling it idealistic and naive, saying that terrorists will lie and say they don't have bombs, when they actually do. And as European researchers plan steps to increase security in other means, stronger cockpits, better surveillance and facial recognition, bag tracking, and an Onboard Threat Detection System, it seems the Americans are moving backwards.

Watkins quickly refuted these critics and added, "That's not the only thing Jimmy would be allowed to ask. If the passengers say they don't have bombs, we've given him permission to follow up with 'Really?' and 'Are you sure?', as well as 'You don't want me goin' through them bags do you...?'" She added, in worst case scenarios, he would be allowed to ask, "Tell the truth, you ain't no terrorist... are ya?"


Thursday, August 10, 2006

Terrorists "1 for 2" in Airline Murder Plots, Tie Breaker set for 2011

Terrorists were in the final stages of planning to blow up planes heading from the United Kingdom to the United States, U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said Thursday. But British police arrested 21 suspects in the plot to blow up the passenger jets. CNN is reporting that the plotters were "getting close to the execution phase."

Bush administration officials are calling it a huge victory in their War on Terror. "[Al-Qaeda] took one from us at home in 2001, and we thought the series was close to over. But Americans never lost faith, and we showed them in this second round... we didn't even have home-court advantage" said Chertoff, who was speaking about arrests made outside of the US.

"Al-Qaeda is a strong, organized, and skilled group."said White House press secretary Tony Snow. "They're a younger team, and they know how to adapt while on the field. We are going to have to use our team work and legally questionable NSA wiretaps to defeat them."

The stage is set for the final match between the US and Al-Qaeda for 2011, as it takes about 5 years to plan airline hijackings. Few people are sure of the outcome of this next meeting, but strategists contend the US can take the Western conference terrorism championship if it stays the course on increasing domestic and international surveillance. The winner of this 3 game series will most likely face Israel, who is a heavy favorite in the Eastern Conference terrorism match-up against Hezbollah.


Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Texas Republicans plan to vote for Delay, despite his intention not to run

A CNN news report today confirmed that Justice Antonin Scalia rejected a request for an appeal on the Delay ballot verdict. Texas Republican lawmakers tried to remove Tom Delay's name from the November ballot, despite him having won their primary election, because he said he had decided after being wrapped up in political corruption scandals. Democrats argued that replacing Delay on the ballot with a Republican who was not democratically chosen in a primary is not only unfair, but unconstitutional. Justice Scalia agreed with the lower court's ruling.

But Texas Republicans statewide were not deterred on Wednesday as they began a fierce campaign to elect Delay, against his wishes. Republicans in his district recognize that a write-in candidate has never won a general election, and that any Republican who runs might accidentally split votes with Delay on the ballot, as some uninformed voters will still just check the Republican box. Instead, they plan on pushing Delay, despite his abhorrent polling numbers, through to the election, hoping to send a Republican back to DC and send a clear message to the country that corruption isn't that big of a deal.

Democrats were jovial upon hearing this news, as a push for Delay will most definitely send votes to a candidate that cannot win. Texas Democratic Party chairman Boyd Richie said at a press conference this morning, "this Pro-Delay push is ridiculous, and we wouldn't mind seeing it continue."

But Republicans who support the 'Delay Should Run' movement are still holding strong. "He knew what he was getting into when he ran for that primary," said local Sugarland resident and Delay neighbor Molly Fitzwallis. "So what if we later learned he accepted money illegally and then used it to gerry-mander the state's districts. That doesn't remove him from his obligation to run on the Republican ticket." She later added, "That is of course unless he's in jail... that actually does remove him from his obligation to run on the Republican ticket."


Lieberman loses Democratic primary, decides to run as Republican

Joe Lieberman, moments after conceding defeat to Democratic challenger Ned Lamont in the Connecticut primaries, vowed to home-state voters that he would be back on the ballot, only for the other party. "Let's face it, Connecticut wants me to go back to Washington to represent them," the 2000 Vice Presidential candidate told reporters at a press conference Wednesday morning. "I mean, 51% of Democrats don't, but I guarantee that a lot of Republicans would love to see me there. Did you see where I stood on the Terri Schiavo case?"

The Lamont-Lieberman contest was marred with political dog-fighting, each side accusing the other of negative campaigning. According to the CNN news article, the Lieberman camp blamed the Lamont campaign and liberal bloggers for the disruption that took down the Lieberman website. The Connecticut Senator called it "Rovian tactics," a swipe at Karl Rove, President Bush's head campaign strategist known for dirty political tactics, and also Lieberman's new party ally.

As Democratic lawmakers rally around their new poster child for the anti-war left, Lamont, they have begun to alienate Lieberman, who believes he has a better shot tackling the general election straight from the right. "Throughout the campaign, Democrats labeled me as 'too close to the President', and hit me hard for voting for the War," Lieberman said. "I realized last night when I got my ass handed to me by Ned Lamont that, given my voting record, maybe I should just switch teams."

Lieberman later added, "Plus I think the perks of being on the Republican team are much better. You get paid vacations from corporations, get to make fun of Democrats for being soft on everything, you get to hang out with Bill O'Reilly, and all you have to trade for it is your morality."


Tuesday, August 08, 2006

15 States Grant Right to Kill in Self Defense; Killing "Just For Fun" Planned for 2007

After a New York Times article reported today that 15 states expanded the right to shoot in self defense, 3 more states added they planned ammendments to allow killing "just for fun" by the end of 2007. While opponents of the plan have said it is an outrageous violation of the constitution, many "pro-fun" advocates, and the NRA, have come to support the planned measures.

"Why shouldn't a good tax-paying American be able to shoot his neighbors or total strangers for fun, without the fear of criminal litigation?" said Walter McCallister, head of the movement to legalize human hunting in the state of Colorado. "All these gun control hippies are infringing upon my right to bear arms, and then to shoot those arms at random bystanders."

While most Colorado citizens have not actually discharged their weapons at other humans, many say the excitement of the idea may bring in large amounts of tourist income that could go toward reversing the budget deficit. Governor Bill Owens has quietly supported the legislative proposal for these reasons.

But the NRA says a new law allowing people to shoot other people for sport will come too late. Wayne LaPierre, the executive Vice President of the NRA is concerned the whole year of 2007 will be spent "in legislative and political battles, instead of where it should be, out there on the hunting field." But he had a message for Colorado citizens who wanted to get a jump start on the all but sure-thing law passage next year: "Go ahead and start shooting now. With this new law in place, all you have to do is say it was self-defense and you're home free."


Youth gives Bush a poor grade; Still popular with 40-50 year-old white midwestern homophobic gun-toting Republicans

According to a report by Bloomberg.com, President Bush is finding new all-time low approval ratings amongst young Americans, who "are far more critical of his job performance than the broader population." A Bloomberg/LA Times poll found that his approval rating hovered around 20 percent, with 53 percent disapproving and 28 percent with no opinion.

The Bush administration had a quick response to the news, publishing a set of its own in house polling numbers that confirmed that with the President Bush voting base, his approval rating was above 85%. Though the base group was relatively smaller in comparison to the Bloomberg/LA Times poll, White House press secretary Snow said that the numbers still hold true.

"If you poll 'all young people', you're going to get an odd number, because not all young people agree on things," Snow said. "On the other hand, if you do what we did, which is target a small group of like minded individuals, say, all the people living in the state of Montana who live on a ranch and make more than $200,000 dollars a year, your results will be more accurate. We are just looking for scientific accuracy here."

When asked specifically about how they got their 85% data figure, Snow refused to comment, but did mention in passing that "[the Aministration]'s gotten pretty good at keeping those minorities away from the polls, if you know what I mean. Don't want 'em, you know, screwing up the stats."

Harvard professor Whitney Teamore said that it is not uncharacteristic of the youth to be fleeing from the president during times of war, given most of the people their age are the ones fighting and dieing in Iraq. "On the other hand, the 85% approval rating from 40-50 year-old white midwestern homophobic gun-toting Republicans is a shock to us at Harvard. You would imagine that number would be closer to 100%. There hasn't been a President in the history of the nation that has agreed more with this fringe minority of voters."


Evangelicals Addicted to Porn. Clergy posts "Over 18" warning, videos on website

According to a ChristiaNet press release, Evangelical Christians are addicted to pornography. They wrote: "The poll results indicate that 50% of all Christian men and 20% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography," said Clay Jones, founder and President of Second Glance Ministries ... 60% of the women who answered the survey admitted to having significant struggles with lust; 40% admitted to being involved in sexual sin in the past year; and 20% of the church-going female participants struggle with looking at pornography on an ongoing basis."

As a response the American Association for Evangelical Christians, or AAEC, decided not to fight this dynamic trend in the "new church", as President of AAEC Michael Jennings described it. "Look, we're in the 21st century. If our congregation is going to look at pornography no matter what, we might as well feel good knowing that it's coming from a safe place." He added, "I know Jesus told us not to look at pornography somewhere in the Bible, but let's face it, there was no 'Girls Gone Wild' when Jesus was around."

The AAEC began posting explicit photos and movies on their web domain early this week, but said it was not proud of the action, and was quick to note that they also placed a disclaimer on the site. "You are being redirected to pictures of evangelical christians being fruitful and multiplying. If you are under 18, it is illegal for you to click YES below. Also, you are commiting a grave sin and will go directly to hell by looking at this site. But if you have to because of some humanistic urge, God will forgive you, because even Jesus was human once, and Jesus understands we are all sinners. YES. NO."

Asked whether the AAEC would lessen its strict adherence to the 'no condoms' rule after this 'no porn/porn sometimes' change of heart, Michael Jennings was quick to rebuff. "We changed the 'no porn' rule because we saw that creating it as a deterrent was a foolish mistake and since people were going to look at porn anyway, we wanted them to be looking at other evangelicals. The condom issue is much different. When we tell people not to have sex until marriage, they listen. Probably."